Archive for May 6th, 2009
The Leverage Factor (and the women who use it)
One of the things that’s a common trait in most women is that, from the time that they are young, there are 2 days that they dream of: the day they’re proposed to, and the day they actually walk down the aisle. They spend countless hours planning both of these BEFORE they even get the guy they want to have this experience with. They know all of the specs on the ring they want to get – for example, a girl I dated told me straight up she wants a Princess Cut m platinum engagement ring with a certified non-blood 3 karat, VS1 minimum clarity diamond on top, lined with another carat of baguettes on the side……. and it has to come from Tiffany’s – and they know what dress they want, what size they need to get down to fit into it, and they know the exact venue of the wedding, who they want on the guestlist, which one of their exes they WON’T tell about it, and the architecture of the first home she will live in with her husband.
One woman who embodied this mentality was Jacklyn from VH1’s reality show “Tough Love”. She had this goal to be married by 25, and all of the aforementioned stuff was already planned, so all she needed was the guy. Her problem was that her aggressive timeline and forwardness with her intentions scared a lot of men off, including her ex boyfriend Greg, whom she left to attend the “boot camp”.
(now we get into the meat of this blog)
While Jacklyn was at camp, she met this wonderful guy named Brock who she felt was someone who was willing to “step up to the plate” and build a relationship with her. The host Steven, however, threw Jacklyn for a loop when he set up a gathering at the house where Brock was there, along with her ex Greg, who was flown in for the show. Steven did this as a test to see if Jacklyn could let go of the past and move on. Brock showed during the party that he was more aggressive in his pursuit of Jacklyn, which made Greg feel, and look, a little salty on the show.
There’s a saying that (paraphrasing) “the most beautiful woman in world is your ex on another man’s arm”. I guess Greg took that to heart with a huge sense of urgency. Once Jacklyn returned home, Greg was at the airport waiting for her with a ring in tow. Despite what Jacklyn said on the show (more or less that she moved on and wants to build with Brock), she accepted the proposal and decided to kick Brock to the curb. Unfortunately for Greg, the ring wasn’t enough to keep Jacklyn around as she ended up leaving him a few months after because he didn’t have any act right.
What you just read is an example of what a handful of women have done since God knows when: in order to get something they want out of the man they’re with, they will use another man as leverage to get it, ESPECIALLY if what they want is an official commitment (in other words, put a ring on it like Beyonce). Most men, whether they know it or not, admit it or not, have been used in this way by women. Think about movies like “Two Can Play that Game” and its sequel “Three Can Play that Game”. The former was about a woman establishing control of the relationship by using tactics (including the leverage of another man) to exude power. The sequel was about a woman using similar tactics in order to get her man to propose (which he ended up doing).
“So Rich, what’s your point?”
Here it is ladies……….. if you have to resort to such tactics to get what you want out of your man, YOU’RE WITH THE WRONG DAMN MAN!!! If you’re not truly simpatico with your man, everything will align and you have nothing to worry about. You won’t have to resort to games for your goals to be fulfilled within your relationship because you will both be in it with the same goal in mind, which should be to build a relationship that’s headed toward MARRIAGE, not the hottest proposal or the sickest wedding day. It’s like playing a pick up game of basketball; you can have the sickest moves and the tightest dunks, but if you go away losing the game it don’t mean a damn thing. In other words, you can have the most romantic wedding proposal just like the Case video, you can have the most beautiful, shiny ring to put your girlfriends to shame, and you can have the sickest destination wedding in Turks and Caicos; you can have a man who does all of the right things for you, but NONE of that matters if your marriage fails because you’re not with the RIGHT MAN. And what you could end up doing is miss out on the right man by using another man as leverage as part of your game to reach your goal.
As I mentioned before, most men have been used in this light. To add a personal touch, I will man up and say this has happened to me on more than one occasion. However, the lesson you learn is to ask the right questions from the jump and don’t be afraid of the answers you might receive in return; get it out the way, establish expectations and boundaries, and it will lessen the BS you might encounter later on down the line. It’s not out of pocket (regardless of what women may tell you) to ask about a woman’s history early on in the “getting to know” process (not on the first date, but early on). If she is less than 100 days out of a relationship, PROCEED WITH CAUTION, regardless of the reason why they broke up. Chances are that feelings have not been totally cut off, and in the event the woman does try to use you as leverage, 60-90 days is the typical amount of time most men take to do what he needs to do to get the proposal together.
I’m a brotha who knows his worth and understands his options, hence why I have a ZERO tolerance policy for these type of women in my life. Maybe it’s the Gemini in me, but using a man as leverage is straight up disrespect, shows the pisspoor-ness of your true character and is subject to an automatic and non-negotiable exfoliation from my life. I believe that I’m a good man (as I’m sure most brothas who are reading this also believe about themselves as well), and, even though I’m an imperfect work in progress, I’m good enough for ANY la woman that comes into my life. With that mentality, I have too much pride to keep those type of women in my life; it’s not cool.
Just like I as a man am responsible for (how I treat) the women in my life, whether I date them or not, women have the same mandate. At the same time, who cares if you get what you want in the end, right ladies?
