The Blog of RichBrand

I was out with some friends on Friday to start my 365 day countdown to the new 20, and the topic came up about a facebook status that I put up the previous week concerning the reactions to when you hear that someone is in a relationship/engaged/married. By this point, I had a couple in me, so I was being totally 100 with folks and letting them know (without the politeness) what I really thought. I said that, for the exception of one woman I have dated, although I have been happy when some of them have moved on and met someone else and built with them, I don’t think any of them were better for that girl than I was. PERIOD!!! Of course someone had to say, “well Rich, maybe they wanted them more than you did and did more to get them. Like your blog said, maybe they were just pressed.”

I admitted that very well could be the case, and that sometimes I believe that a lot of women more caught up in a man who satisfies the courtship checklist versus the right man for them. Given that I personally know a couple of women who came to that epiphany several weeks before they were to walk down the aisle, it’s a valid assumption (maybe more exceptional and a pattern, but still valid). Then my homegirl said ,”well maybe because they may not be the best dressed, the most charming, the best looking, the most in shape, have the best career, etc., but they did what they had to do to get her, and maybe you didn’t”. I held my grit in that I didn’t want to react, but she elaborated further:
I have found that men and women who are attractive and/or well off tend to be lazier in the dating game because they feel they don’t need to work as hard, don’t have to do as much. They figure that, because of who they are and/or what they have, that they will always have options. It’s usually the ones with the least amount of options that more likely to land someone and get married.
With all of the experiences in my life, I have definitely seen this as a pattern. Women complain about “successful” brothas who conduct themselves in such a fashion and don’t feel they need to work to get a chick, and brothas complain about that stuck up, model looking chick with the fat ass who requires high-level caking to keep her attention but don’t do a damn thing for him. And what’s the reward? The privilege of being with that person?! Ummmmm……….. yeah. And of course you’re thinking, “Why should I bust my ass to satisfy their lazy ass?”

Ok, the LA Brotha in me struggles with this often somewhat, and so does the “successful” brotha in me. As my female best friend said to me, it’s not about arrogance or being bourgeois, it’s about staying in your lane, and if your lane has a certain speed limit, then why slow down. But……….. at the same time, having that mentality in every aspect of your life will not get you anywhere, and will not always get you what you want. Regardless of how good you think you look, how stacked your bank account is, how many degrees you have, or how deep your roster is, it takes work to obtain and more work to maintain. Nothing in life worth obtaining is going to be just given to you. In your personal AND professional life, you have to know what it is that you want and position yourself to obtain it. Just because you want it doesn’t mean you deserve it or are entitled to it.

In the working world, and in dating, aesthetics are definitely important, but it’s only part of the whole package. After while, looks fade, and competency takes total precedence over how it is you look. So ladies, if you got that (job/man) because of your looks, make sure your competency and performance are parallel. Brothas, don’t deal with any woman who wouldn’t date you if you didn’t work on Wall Street, or were a junior partner at that downtown law firm. Don’t let your looks (ladies) or your paper (brothas) dictate how you treat other people. It’s not a good look.

I know I probably rambled a bit, but I’m curious to hear what the readers think on this subject.
Do you run into this often? Let me know.

I received a very lengthy (in comparison) response to my blog about my Leverage Factor blog I wrote a couple of days ago. I also received some side comments on facebook about it as well. I was going to reply within the actual blog comments, but a lengthy criticism deserves a lengthy rebuttal. I will show, in its entirety, M’s response:
1) The idea that most women have planned out their engagements and/or weddings is a stereotype. I haven’t nor have I even heard another women talk about her perfect engagement/wedding. The only time I’ve even heard another woman mention rings was when she thought an engagement was eminent. The topic/concern for some was that the man would pick a ring she didn’t like (since she would be wearing it for a long time). The story about girl who had her ring specs decided was a fluke. We all could pull out a crazy, weird dating story, that doesn’t mean it’s the norm. (BTW, I hope your ran screaming from her)

Just for the record, I’ve never tried to make an ex jealous or broken up with someone to date an ex. I’ve never had a woman tell me she’s done this either.

Well M…………..

1. I went to school with a lot of sistas where Plan A was their MRS, and getting a degree was a backup plan just in case they had to actually have a career for themselves. Some grew up spoiled and had daddy take care of them, and it was instilled in them that a man was to provide everything for them, but until that man finds them, do for yourself. You’re talking about classical conditioning here where some women, from the time they play with Barbie Dolls, are told that these are your validations of womanhood (in which the notion of “taking care of yourself and being ok with that” ISN’T one of them). I also lived in Atlanta for a year where, despite its progression in comparison to other southern cities, is STILL the South. Still behind the times in certain things. I ran into a decent amount of women there where, once they turned 25 or headed towards it, they were in PANIC mode. It was this feeling that they failed as women because they were 25 and haven’t walked down the aisle yet. Now, while it’s good to know a woman’s intentions from jump, don’t shove your timeline down a man’s throat. And yes, I ran like hell from bridezilla. And no, the ring specs story is not a fluke. A good amount of the women I know have prereqs for their engagement ring, and some have been bold enough to say they will accept or reject the proposal based on the size of the ring. Yes, I will admit that I know some shallow women, but I’m from LA so what do you expect. LOL

2. In this case, the reality show did create the drama in the example that I used (I’ll give you that), but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t women (and men) out there that don’t engage in deliberate drama themselves. I was using the show as a high level example of the types of scenarios I have actually seen in my young life. To think that what happened with Jacklyn on the show DOESN’T happen in real life on the daily is a very naive assumption. You won’t BELIEVE some of the stories I have heard in terms of drama.

3. I definitely acknowledge that men do these types of things as well. It’s just that, as men, we’re more transparent about in most cases about it though. We’re more likely to break up with someone, and go and smash something else the next night, and not take any emotional stock in ourselves before we do so. As men, we’re conditioned to MAN UP and recover faster (or at least front like we recovered). The problem is that because of how society is, we as men aren’t given the same allowance to deal with our emotions as women are. So do we as men use chicks for leverage? Hell yeah we do. Both men and women (intentionally and subconsciously) do this. The only time you date too soon is when you don’t have full closure in your heart about a situation. I look at the past being the past, and if things don’t align (at least in the ballpark of alignment), then you need to let it go; I don’t believe in taking backwards steps, and if it’s supposed to work, you won’t need to break up with someone to make it so. But here’s the thing: bringing it to a close in your mind and heart is key before you look to move on with anyone else, and you shouldn’t look as someone else as a replacement or a substitute. A man (or woman) with high self-value will not compete for your heart with someone else that didn’t do right by it the first time, and if you’re dumb enough to remain loyal and apathetic in terms of your heart and mind, then it’s on you to figure all that out before you get back in the game.

And it’s admirable that you’ve never done this, or know anyone that has done it. Which tells me you fall into one of three categories: you’re just 100% truthful and know how to cut your losses (which I hope most likely applies to you), you’re in a relationship right now and it doesn’t apply, or… men just don’t get jealous once they’re done with you.

To continue the MB Top 5, I have to go next to the man who the tandem that has produced countless hits for our generation. From “Slow Jam” by Midnight Star, to “Two Occasions” when they were in the Deele, to both the Boomerang and Waiting to Exhale soundtracks. Yes people, the LAFace production team. The songs I chose to show their production prowless (actually 2) are one that is known, and one that is not so known in the annals for Slow Jam cuts of all time. But, once again, those who know their music like me might know the second one. You have no excuse to not know the first one.

Now, here’s the not-so-known one:

About an hour ago, I was checking through my emails on one of my email accounts, and came across a thread on a listserv I’m on that was talking about who was thought of as black and beautiful in 2008 (male and female). Of course some guys named the usual chicks (Sanaa Lathan, Halle Berry, Kerry Washington, Lauren London, etc) and the women named their usual (Obama, Denzel, Morris Chestnut, etc). Then, in a noble gesture, one of the guys made a list of some of the women on the serv (good move), which of course had some (accidential I hope) omissions from the list.  I thought about if I wanted to respond on this listserv with my own list (………….right), or if I wanted to give my interpretation of what I consider beautiful, I decided instead of telling them, I would just let the world know where I stand on this, especially since a lot of my female friends consider me superficial and shallow. So I’m gonna kill multiple birds with one stone.

For those who come across this and don’t want to read alot, here’s the executive summary:

Beautiful Woman = (External Attractiveness + Great Personality + (Character *Values *Spirituality)) – Baggage(X)

Now, notice the order in which I put all of that in, and of course when you look at it from that way, of course you’re going to make your assumption of my LA-ness per se. But here’s the thing: What is the first thing you notice about someone when you first meet them? ………….. exactly, their physical appearance. For men, if we’re smart, we go from head to toe and check someone out before we speak to them, regardless of where it’s at (although I will say some dumbass dudes out there have this issue where they only look from neck to knee and lower their standards, but I digress).  Of course women do the same (just with more attention to our dress and mannerisms). This gets you in the door. Now everything I say from this point is what keeps you in the house, and also determines where in the house you will have access to, or if I send yo ass to the yard or the street.

Once we sign off on if a person satisfies our external prereqs (tangible and intangible), then we figure out if there’s chemistry in how we interact with each other. Is the person easy to talk to? Do you have basic things in common? Do you run out of things to say after 45 seconds? Is this person fun to be around? etc etc. In most cases, coming in cold, that’s the second thing you assess with a person when you meet them and learn about them.

Now when you get into a person’s character, values, and spirituality, then you get into the core of what makes a person who they are.  For me, this is what I look at: Are they a Christian? (anything else and our friendship would be limited, and dating will never happen) Do they go to church every sunday, and cussing out their family every monday? Are they conscious of what’s going on within Black America? What do they want to do with their life, and how? What type of music are they into? What’s their artistic outlet? And is all of this compatible to where I stand on all of these things?

Now, what there needs to be a containment on is the amount of unnecessary baggage a woman has in her life (within her control). Now, I will admit there are certain areas of concern where this is concerned (see Phyllis Hyman and her emotional problems as an example), but there are some things that you just have to let go;  certain monkeys on your back that are there because you keep them there, or feel that you have something to prove in life to men. Naw, that’s not needed. The more bags of BS you are carrying, the worse it is for you in my book………. PERIOD. Yes, we all have problems/issues/crazy, we all are not perfect, but when it gets in your own way, then that’s a showstopper.

Now, if you have all of these things in the affirmative, then to me, you are TRULY a beautiful woman. The problem is that a lot of women THINK they fit into this category of beautiful because they have one of those things, but in my book you don’t make the cut. There are some women I know who I would sleep with, all things equal, right now, but I would hate to have to wake up next to them and have to hear her damn mouth. And there are some women I can talk to on the phone with for hours, go to church with, listen to jazz with, watch basketball with, but couldn’t buy enough bars to get me drunk  enough to think of them as “FINE”. Then there are some that I’m attracted to, that are great to be around, and on paper would be wifey IF she didn’t get in their own way because of some crutch she has. There’s something about all of us that could make us “UGLY” to another person, but, if you haven’t understood what I have said so far, beauty isn’t just how you look on the outside; the inside matters just as much.

Now, for those ladies over the years that I have called beautiful and don’t fulfill these standards, I apologize for lying to you, I’ll have to use another politically correct complimentary adjective next time to let you know you CGI or that you’re sexy. But if anyone ever wanted to know where I truly stand on this and not make assumptions, then consider yourself officially educated.